"...your brain is an ass-hole. It doesn't want you to be happy."
Me, circa 2015
It was 2014 by the time I had truly had enough of my own BS. I was sick and tired of it all.
Tired of hearing my own narrative and playing my monotonous life on repeat, yet stuck in the victim mentality of “look at what life has done to me”, not realising I had a huge hand in creating the reality I was trying to live in, and not realising I was the only one able to change it.
Remembering it now, I honestly didn’t care enough to change. I was surviving, just enough.
It took me another year before I was ready to change. Not just change myself but, change the reality I had made.
The hell hole I had created for myself started four years prior to this, when I was forced to make a life-changing decision. The decision to have a termination, quite quickly, broke me. Shattered all and any semblance of who I thought I was, and ultimately left me in very dark place.
Although I already knew I had a drinking problem prior to this mess, I still felt the urge to self-medicate with alcohol, Mary-Jane and, on occasion narcotics. Anything really to shut myself down and eventually black out. Wishing for the dull ache of the emptiness inside me to go away.
I didn't know which was worse: The emotions, the lack there-of, or the inner-dialogue plaguing me every day.
I would bury myself in work - which wasn’t hard to do - until it was an “acceptable” drinking hour. Then I would go home. Well, not straight home. I always stopped by at least one bar, even alone. Sometimes not making it home that night. Going MIA. Scaring my family, partner and friends.
If I didn’t get anchored in at a bar, I’d continue home. Though I would still collect another bottle of wine to drink at my pace, without the worry or judgement of anyone.
It was during these years I came to the conclusion that our brain is an asshole. It doesn’t want us to be happy. It wants us to feed into its self-sabotaging base behaviours, ran purely by our basic instincts alone. Our brains are very similar to our Governments, in the way they want us to live, with a lack of discernment.
Discernment, or a differing opinion or novel thought are not appreciated and send either of these two into flight or fight.
Looking back now, I do not know how in the hell I survived that many years doing what I was doing to myself. By 2015, I felt dead inside. Hollowed out, knowing it couldn’t go on like this for much longer. I could only see two options: I end it; even if that meant slowly, with the ever-increasing amount of alcohol I was consuming or, I change.
Sober the fuck up and make my life into something I wanted to be in.
Either way, something had to give. I’m too fucking stubborn to give up, so I began the journey to fix myself.
December 2015, I put myself on SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor), and attempted to sober up. Solo at first. I was incredibly naïve to think I didn’t need AA. 62 days was my best attempt alone. Each time I broke, the binging and results thereof worsened.
They say if you want something, focus on the “WHY” you want it, and the “HOW” will fall into place on the way.
By August 2016 it really sunk in. I was about to be an Aunt again. Considering I hadn’t been the best Aunt to my Nephew, it was like I was being given a second chance. So, I swallowed what little pride I had left, and went to AA. I stumbled another two or three times. However, November 17th, 2016 was my final blow out. Three days before my lovely little Niece came into this world.
She is now my measure of sobriety and of just how much love it is possible to feel.
My awakening was triggered when my world was flipped upside down in early 2017, at only 80 days sober. Two of the most significant relationships in my life ended.
First, my best friend I'd known since high school. Then a week later, my partner of seven and half years. However, I refused to drink through it.
After years of numbing any unwanted emotions with alcohol and other party favours, experiencing and facing these emotions without any numbing agents was shit. Plain shit and damn ugly! I couldn’t even identify some of the emotions that were bubbling up in me.
Three months after this, the ending of another “friendship”. Again though, I refused to drink.
I wasn’t throwing away all my hard work because of this person, this connection that only I felt. The consequent inexpiable and straight-up bizarre experiences were what led me in search of answers. Eventually, my eyes were opened to what was happening with me. What, at a soul level, had taken place. Although I knew & know feelings are 100% subjective, (sorry if that is triggering to any of you) I did often wonder for a time there if he was having bizarre experiences too.
I quickly learned no two people have the same level of awareness. We are living our own paths, with our timelines, in our own realities.
The silver lining of these three hurts is: I was lead to my awakening. My healing. My path. My highest timeline and consciously created reality. The Truth of it all.
For that I cannot be more grateful for these people, our experiences and connections, and the ensuing outcome. I wouldn’t be in such an amazing and wonderful place without them.
Thank you all for playing your parts so well, legends.
Almost 18 months since the last Tower moment and my story has become Zarah Wolf’s story. Where you are meeting me for the first time now, is new territory for me. As I never thought in a million years I’d be doing this. Will you join me on my journey? You’re more than welcome to stay a while.
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Have a wonderful day beloved.
With Divine Light, always.
Amanda L Darch
(PKA Zarah Wolf)
Edit April 2021
Morning of my birthday, (2015) after an epic pre-bday bender. Broken on the inside is an understatement. All I wanted, was to cry. For ALL of the reasons,, and none at all.
If it wasn't for my best-friend I wouldn't have left my bed that day.
We are having breakfast, getting ready to do it all again that afternoon to Celebrate.
Approximately three or four hours later. At the Celebrations. From memory, it took me half a bottle of red wine to even start get ready for this party. This wasn't too long after arriving. Still broken inside. Bit happier about it here with a tank half full & trying quickly to fill it. I cannot express just HOW much I do NOT miss this.